Archive for May, 2013

May 21, 2013

Of Breakdowns and God.

I sit up. I breathe for a minute. I lift my shaking hands to my face. I push my tear-wet hair back with weak fingertips. I pull pieces of matted hair off my chin. I push the tears back away from my swollen eyes and hold my fingertips to the puffy skin under my eyes. My neck is wet, my chest, my baby hairs. I slowly pull my legs around and cross them. My head is just too heavy to lift right now, but I open my eyes. Theres a little blood on my knee and some on the bathroom floor. I dont wish him to see me like this, tho he watched the whole thing. I’m embarrassed. I feel the most vulnerable I’ve ever felt. I always do infront of him. I hate my breakdowns. Espcially infront of him.

I can see him out of my peripheral vision. Hes sitting on the floor leaning on the wall. His knees are up. His arms are resting on his knees, but on hand is grabbing his chin. Hes watching me. Hes not moving. Just staring. I can tell his heart is racing by how heavy his chest is moving when he breathes. We sit in thick silence. That was a hard one. My chin starts to quiver and tears seep.

“please go…” I manage to whisper.
He says nothing. He doesnt move.

I lift my head and my eyes meet his. His eyes are deep and searching and intentional and they always take me by suprise, regardless the situation. His eyes are so deliberate and sensational and pleading and soft. His face is serious and panged with exhaustion. His brows are furrowed and the panes of his face bare straight lines from where his tears trampled his skin. He keeps staring, but I have to look away. He lets a deep breath out and drops his head to grab his hair and push it back. I rarely see him this distraught. I never see him this distraught unless its because of me.. of my episodes. Hes never at a loss of what to do, but when it comes to this, he feels helpless. Maybe even hopeless. And its always only becuse of the messes I make.

“just go.”
“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry. I didnt mean what I said. Its just… I’m just… I’m sor-”
-Stop. You can’t hurt me enough for me to leave. You know this.
“you’re mad, arn’t you? ..please don’t be mad.”
He sighs. -Its hard to stay mad at you, but yea. I’m mad. I’m mad that you forget about me. I’m mad that you can live your life without me. I’m mad that the only time you ever want me around is when you’re losing control of your heart and your mind. I’m mad that you never open the doors for me.. it makes me feel unwelcome. Thats why I dont bother asking if I can come over anymore. But then, when I hear you screaming for me? when I hear you wailing in pain and I hear you thrashing yourself around? I can’t help myself. I can’t help myself, Gabrielle… I have to come. I have to be here. I have to sit here with you and I have to because I love you too much not to come. I’m yours. And you’re mine. Even when you don’t want me…

He doesn’t say much, but when he does.. its enough to murder me with guilt.
“I want you..” I plead.

Those words come from the marrow in my bones and are cloaked in pain and weigh heavy with desire for his approval. I want him so bad it hurts. I don’t like upsetting him. I hate myself when I do. He doesnt deserve this. I dont deserve him.
When he doesnt respond, I start to cry. I wipe the tears away with the back of my wrists. He gently takes me by forearms and pulls me into him. I can’t help the feeling of securtiy when he pulls me closer to him. I give in and collapse on his shoulder. He moves his legs closer to me, cradling my weight with his legs. He smells like the bedsheets of my soul. His skin is so warm, almost too warm. His jaw flexes and he leans his head back to the wall. He twirls a piece of my hair. Right here, right where I’m supposed to be, I feel loved. Like I was meant. As if I am on purpose.

-I want you, too. All the time. When I’m not around, its not because I don’t want to be. I want to waste all my time with you. I know your breakdowns, but I dont know what to do except sit here with you. And quit telling me to leave. Because I wont. Let me stay here with you. Let me be apart of you. Just please, let me take care of you. I know we have eternity, but let me be here until then. I love you, Gabrielle…

Oneday, it’ll be worth it. Oneday, your breakdowns will earn merit, your hatred for confusion will be soothed and confusion will be no more. Oneday, you’ll know peace like you’ve never felt… we all will.
I promise, you’ll be with me when I burn this world.