bedsheets of my soul.

I lay wondering.
Wondering what happened to the comfortable laughter.

I miss her.

Lover competes with these bedsheets in catching my tears.
He loves me so much.
He always tears up when I’m unfolding.
I curl in around the pillows and he curls in around me. just holding me. letting me drench these bedsheets.

 

These bedsheets of my soul. Drenched in the river of my heart.

 

I dont care if it was all fake or if it was all real or if you hated me or if you loved me. I dont care if everything was all I lie.

I want it back. Living a lie was universes better than this… this empty sister’s heart I have. Throw me back to the sun and let me burn if you must – at least I’ll be able to see your smile from there. watch your red orange rose peach colored treses in envy from there.

I dont care what the past 365 days have done to us. I dont care what the past holds in its clutches or what the future has in its flowering basket for us… I meant it when I said I wanted to watch movies with you like we used, when we’re 80, lying on the floor, eating raw cookie dough by the gallon… just like we used to. And I know it hurt you more deeply than ever when you werent standing next to me when I sealed a commitment with kiss, but I meant it with every fiber of my skin when I told you you were the only girl I wanted there. 

Time had other plans. and I am so deeply sorry.

I meant it when I said I wanted to raise our babies together. I meant it when I said I wanted to live on the same street as you. I even meant everything I ever told you that I didnt follow thru with.  I dont know where you are in your world or what meaning I hold to you, but know that everything that ever came from me was reckless abandon, heartfelt sincerity, love letters with intention of knitting my soul to yours everyday for the rest of my life. That the bond I had with you was not that of friends.

but that of my sister.

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