Archive for October, 2011

October 22, 2011

bedsheets of my soul.

I lay wondering.
Wondering what happened to the comfortable laughter.

I miss her.

Lover competes with these bedsheets in catching my tears.
He loves me so much.
He always tears up when I’m unfolding.
I curl in around the pillows and he curls in around me. just holding me. letting me drench these bedsheets.

 

These bedsheets of my soul. Drenched in the river of my heart.

 

I dont care if it was all fake or if it was all real or if you hated me or if you loved me. I dont care if everything was all I lie.

I want it back. Living a lie was universes better than this… this empty sister’s heart I have. Throw me back to the sun and let me burn if you must – at least I’ll be able to see your smile from there. watch your red orange rose peach colored treses in envy from there.

I dont care what the past 365 days have done to us. I dont care what the past holds in its clutches or what the future has in its flowering basket for us… I meant it when I said I wanted to watch movies with you like we used, when we’re 80, lying on the floor, eating raw cookie dough by the gallon… just like we used to. And I know it hurt you more deeply than ever when you werent standing next to me when I sealed a commitment with kiss, but I meant it with every fiber of my skin when I told you you were the only girl I wanted there. 

Time had other plans. and I am so deeply sorry.

I meant it when I said I wanted to raise our babies together. I meant it when I said I wanted to live on the same street as you. I even meant everything I ever told you that I didnt follow thru with.  I dont know where you are in your world or what meaning I hold to you, but know that everything that ever came from me was reckless abandon, heartfelt sincerity, love letters with intention of knitting my soul to yours everyday for the rest of my life. That the bond I had with you was not that of friends.

but that of my sister.

October 20, 2011

[bandersnatch]

 

Bandersnatch

I have ridiculous dreams of running on all fours.
Of chasing something thru a thick wood, but not ever seeing what is running for it’s life.
I feel the drool drain down my neck as the wind rips thru my hair.
I feel the current in my veins surge thru my rapid rampant heart.
I can taste it. I can smell it. I can feel it in my human mouth.
One of these nights, I will catch it. Whatever it is.

I walk up trees and eat the moths that flap around me.
I feel the evil crawl around on my skin. 
I laugh with a growl. I’m good at this…. Making you fear me. 
I can do anything here. I can eat you if I wanted to. 
Where this wood is, I am Bandersnatch.

In this part of my head, I hate getting lost.

 

 

 

October 5, 2011

the morning in photographs.

 

Instead of Just Writing about my morning…
I will show it to you in photographs.

~

While babe sleeps.

 
I eat breakfast.
In bed.
My cozy cozy bed.

I watched my great grandmother’s 24 carat gold fork move between my fingers.
and I think of her.
Her never ending smile.
Her gentle spirit.
Her very few words.
Such such a lady.

I can’t say the same for myself.
I put wine in my teacup.

I put on Claire de Lune and the rain begins to fall.
Nothing compares to seaside rain.
The atmosphere is drenched in scents and smells of the harbor.
with rain water collecting in our unintentional rain collectors..

I step out underneath it.
Claire de lune calling from the door.
The grass is cold and the rain is more so.
The sky is heavy and my mind is free.

My great grandmother’s feet leave prints in the soil.
 { I used to hate these feet..
until I was told they were hers. }

I stand here.
in the soil.
and think.
and wonder what my Cherokee ancestors would think of me.
I wonder if I resemble them.
With my hair wild and down..
I like to imagine I might.

This morning’s rain rinses me clean.
soaks my skin and softens my hair.
and thoughts are good.

so so good.

 

 

October 4, 2011

[trying to find the light switch in here..]

I’m scratching myself raw.
viciously and meticulously trying to find me under my skin.
I’m in here somewhere….

I feel as tho this pilar of human flesh I have to cascade around in are hundreds of separate parts.
My mind panics..
My brain sends wrong messages..
My mouth explodes with words..
My bones crinkle under the sound of my unstitched tongue..
My muscles all pull in a different direction..
One knee buckles while the other stands strong..
My heart… my heart beats its off tempo song.
While I, out here, trying to make sense of it all, am left to orchestrate. 

 

have you ever been to a symphony?
You know that anxiety inducing few seconds right after the maestro raises his wand?