– Gabrielle? –

it bites me.
makes me itch.
makes me loath the human staring at me thru the mirror.
the visible scars etched into my arms and legs.
they will always be there…
I thought I could turn them into a positive thing and call them “survival scars.”
I survived myself – but those scars do nothing but laugh at me.
Theyre maps of where my heart went.
where my mind tried to hide.
where every uncontrollable emotion tried to make sense of itself.
I damaged myself. terribly. wrecklessly. my once smooth skin is nothing but a mockery, ridged with lost cause after lost cause.

over time, they sort of – in a way – became a comfort. I liked to think that these scars were from a thorny rose bush just trying to grow on me. unconsciously doing damage on its way up, but trying desperately to become something -someone- beautiful.  Just trying. Just trying so hard.

I have secrets. deep secrets. secrets I want so badly to just write. or speak of.  to scream. I want someone to hear me. someone to congradulate me on surviving what I did, for never speaking of it before, for such a beautiful mind. a mind that can tolerate and control such horrificness. I want that pat on the back – but then I dont, because I know thats all it will be – just a pat on the back.
I dont want you to know my secrets….. I so desperately need you to know.

….secrets that ended up like hyroglifics on my skin.

When he took my out in the middle of no where  – I vanished into these scars. they became a comfort before, maybe they could again.   I closed my eyes and went deep inside the covering of my bones…. the wrapping of my organs. I buried myself. deep deep within my scars. I imagined them like a blanket that I was protecting myself with… monsters cant get you if your under the blankets. 

the monster figured it out. this was a nightly occurance. he was bound to figure it out sometime.
and new scars began to take shape. 
tracing along the curvature of my body, like how I would imagine music flowing thru air, if you could actually see it happening. Try to make it something beautiful….. it was a rose bush before  – it can be music now.  

nothing beautiful ever came of these.
these laughing little demons permenately flawing my skin.
thats all they are to me….
pieces of life that had no direction…
no direction that ended up like a petrified splinter in my olive skin.

Advertisements

One Comment to “– Gabrielle? –”

  1. Gabby, I just wanted to say that God can make all things beautiful . . . even these scars. He loves you and has used these things . . . everything from your past and even these secrets you speak of to mold you into the person you are today. A beautiful person.

    I love what it says there on the picture. I’m glad you can see that you are not alone.

    Love you Gabby 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: