In the in between…

God turned the day on His to-do list and December 2 began. Probably the most monumental day of our life. His too.

You see, when He introduced me to your father, He had this crazy idea… one where, I can see Him really thinking it thru, mulling it over, wincing at some of the future, but making His decision anyway… WE were going to be the ones to bring you here. You’re father and I were tiny. Babies ourselves. 18 and 19 years old with not a clue in this world at what we were doing or who we were. We had one thing nailed… and that was that we were mad about each other. Passionate, ridiculous, sensitive, and nieve. We didnt have the slightest guess what God was sewing together.

Your father and I fell helplessly into this realm of completion. We needed each other. Wanted each other. Breathed one another. It was in the works… God’s part one had fallen right into place.

His part two, believe it or not, was even more romantic than the first.  Your father leaned in and whispered, “will you marry me?” I KNOW God stopped time for me. At least for a few minutes. Being that He’s all magical and talented and what not, I dont have a hard time believing that He did.

Now, part three? Part three is the best part. And I like to think maybe, it just can’t get any better. God wanted another little boy in this world. He didnt know quite yet what He was craving for, but He knew He wanted someone a little more on the perfect side of this silly way of being human. Hes God remember? He can even create someone… perfect. Well, He was fumbling around inside my tummy, repairing fuses, sharpening tools, buying new parts, and polishing everything over JUST to get ready for this new perfect someone He wanted.  After a hard, unsettling test run, everything was okay. My tummy was ready. And so He began. He pulled out His needle and thread and started sewing together tiny perfect fingers and even more perfect toes. He pulled fibers from His pocket and started weaving perfect porcelain skin. He even designed a heart. And a brain. He started working hard. Believe me, He put a lot of sweat and blood into this little boy… 

When everything was okay to let sit and start working on its own, He left me in charge. And I took care of you. Yes, you. You were only the size of sesame seed when He handed over the keys. Yes, the little white things ontop of hamburger buns… THATS how tiny you were. I didnt realize that God had so much trust in me to watch over such a tiny little treasure. Oh how He loved you… so I loved you. I took care of you as I would imagine He would. And  I guess I did a good job.

Because December 2 came.

And I held you.

And I looked at you.

And I wondered…. “God makes us in His image?”

I hold you now and I dream of who you will be. God has something Hes already sewing together. Just like He did for me and your father. I like to think that Hes threading together a little girl somewhere…. with you in mind.  Maybe Hes toying with the idea of blueprints for your little ones…

He still stops time for me every once in awhile. Like when I catch you staring at me, just like your father does. Or when you stop crying one foot in the door and start crying one foot out. You want me desperately. He stops the time for me when I watch your eyes shut, not to sleep, but when you feel my fingers touch your back. Or when you give me kisses. You know, God made you for Himself, but I like to think He had me in mind too.  Because I just can’t get enough of you. I love you so deeply it makes me cry sometimes. Good tears. Bad tears…. I dont want you to ever leave. 

Carter Levi, Being in the in between isnt always easy. I can’t raise you for myself, but for another girl. I cant teach you things that I think are the right ways because theyre not all the time. I have to let you go oneday and that isnt fair. I have to listen to God and truthfully, its hard sometimes, but I know His way makes better sense than mine. I will be the one to lead you and guide you. I will be the one to introduce to God. And no matter what choices you make in life, He holds me responsible. Being the middle man, the in between, is the most beautful, heartbreaking, and maddening love of my life. 

Because I want you forever. and I never want you to leave.


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