Archive for April, 2011

April 19, 2011

lets just forget yesterday…

>why can’t I so easily mimic nature?
let the old leaf die and let new begin.

what happens when you pull the bandaid off and theres still a wound?
what if there isnt a gash, but worse… a scar?
how do you take the time to let yourself heal?

no one has time anymore…

I just wish I would let myself come to the surface again… perhaps to see the light of day once more… perhaps not. I’ve grown a custom to the current. the undertoe. the muted sound of underwater pressure. I dread the inevitable. whats worse, I dread what could be. Not what is.

I envy you.
I envy our time.


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April 13, 2011

the wreck of 31 weeks.

>I was 31 weeks pregnant, I was gigantic, stuffed to the brim off Sizzler’s endless salad bar, and driving my father and brother back home in my little Ford Focus when this happened…

The hummer didnt see me coming at all and decided to speed across all four lanes of traffic. I didnt see her either due to a truck in the turning lane next to me nor did I have any time to stop. I t-boned her at 45mph which sent her into a complete 180 and her trunk hit the front end of another vehicle.

The airbags knocked me out when they deployed. I remember waking up to my dad yelling, “get out of the car! get out of the car! its on fire!”

I remember opening my eyes and not being able to see anything thru all the dust. I remember trying to lift my arms, but I couldnt.
My brain went into panic mode when my legs wouldnt move.
My heart started racing… the car is on fire and I cant move.

Coming out of the daze, the worst pain shot thru my body and I suddenly remembered..
“Carter.”

My dad started pulling me out of the car. My stomach hurt so bad I couldnt stand up all the way. It was cramped. I wasnt having cramps… I was just completely cramped. As if my entire torso had a charlie horse. I was having a horrific time breathing. I couldnt stop crying. I couldnt answer any questions.

Paramedics strapped me to a gurney and took me to the hosiptal.
They kepted asking me if I could feel him move, but I couldnt.
They tried to find him on the little monitors they had on the ambulance, but they couldnt.

I was just in a major accident, our unborn child wasnt moving, and my husband was in Afghanistan.

I lost it.

I went into preterm labor and ended up staying the night in the hospital for precaution. I felt Carter Levi move for the first time after the collision hours later. He was okay. I’m okay.

If I had been one second further down the road, the hummer wouldve t-boned us. My father-in-law was the captain on the scene of the accident. Seeing him eased me, hearing him talk calmly, soothed me. The third party involved are friends of mine. Having them there helped me relax. My mother was working that day at the hospital and was already waiting for me when I got there. Everything couldnt have gone more wrong with all the right people there. The car wasnt on fire. The dust from the airbags creates a cloud that resembles smoke. I thank God everday for letting that play out the way it did. I dont know why exactly He let it all happen, but I’m sure glad He directed it.

April 4, 2011

pandora’s box…

>

i try to keep it locked.

i try to hush the evils inside.

i use coping methods to forcibly reduce my memories to white.

to empty.

like snow.

white.. cold.. empty snow.

i feel the love in my bones drain. I feel my bones crack and peel away like dead bark on trees.

i feel my lungs deplete air as if my mouth were screaming.

i close my eyes and let them fall.

let them soak back into my pores.

i feel my heart slowly give up.

the cello and violin play.

i can only hold the lid shut for so long until my muscles give way.

my box falls open and the memories escape.

they laugh at me.

taunt me.

bite me.

flapping their wings around my head, entangling themsleves in my hair.

these painful.. painful memories.

im only ever strong enough to last just a little longer than the last time. i have yet to find a lock strong enough to keep Pandora’s ….Gabrielle’s box locked forever.

come home Gregory… i need you now.