[ i don’t want to ]


Yesterday I worked from sun up to sun down. There were times when I got annoyed trying to lift something because I was unable to, many of the things I could lift, I couldnt carry them like I normally do… I had to shift it to my sides from my ever growing belly. I did the transfer of my homes barefoot. not smart. It felt good yesterday to do something other than lay there, stuffed from to much overwhelming emotion. It felt good to keep my mind busy. My thoughts were constantly running. But at the end of such a constantly in motion day, I tend to feel even more alone when I finally lay down to rest. Now my body is no longer working to balance unborn child and boxes of dishware, Im not eating, Im not thinking of what else I have to do, what Ive accomplished so far, if Ive made enough progress to help out the guys with the bigger items, if I should stop, if I should keep going, what else I want to get for the new home, what else I need to get for the new home, Im no longer thinking of the excitement of picking up the new stuff me and gregory have picked out together. no. none of those thoughts are happening now. Now, Im just laying there. Body exhausted and my mind… desparately tring to find something to think about, but its just to tried as well. I lay there defeated by my own will. Obsessing starts to unravel me. I watch my phone. I fall asleep with it and wake up with it still in my hand. Im terrified Ill miss his call, but I never do. Im terrifed. terrified. terrified. The deep silence of night kills me. His baby moves inside me. He tumbles so soft and mellow. He rolls and stretches. I sing him his lullaby that I made up two years before he was even thought of. He was thougt of. dreamed of. So I hum his tune and he goes to sleep. I weep. Ive never loved two people more. Sometimes its more than Im capable of. Its so wonderful and surreal. Like I dont deserve it.
I lay exhausted. Even more so than just from the labor of the day, but from the emotion of the night. I dont want to do this over again tomorrow. I dont want to.

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